Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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