We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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