Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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