good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
How external is "for external use only"?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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