I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
