No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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