3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
