i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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