you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
