I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
