I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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