He asked me if I "almost moaned"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
