everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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