We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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