I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
