Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Randomize
