What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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