It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
