I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
