I'm jealous of your bromance
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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