this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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