Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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