Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
