i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
