There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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