Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
