Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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