You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
