Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
