Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
