I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Oh god it's open bar.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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