Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize