She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
