Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
My ATM looks so different sober.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Randomize
