She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
