omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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