True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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