This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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