i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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