When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
