And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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