If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
How drunk are you?
Completed.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
