I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
