turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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