I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
