I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize