ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
