he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just found a bag of teeth...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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