This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
