I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
