babies were throwing up all over the place
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
