I'm laying in your front yard are you home
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
