his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
this will be a night to untag.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
