She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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