Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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