I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
