yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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