you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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