they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
