Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
